You're Soaking In It!

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What's this, you ask? What's this shiny new toy that appears before you? Oh, just a little slice of snarky heaven that is your new best reason for getting out of bed Saturday morning. Actually, you don't even need to get out of bed. It's cool, nobody will know.

What a week to start a television column! Sure, there were the big sports things: Indy 500, NBA Finals, the French Open, something called "hockey" is doing something. But so many other things are happening! Like, let's say, the premiere of America's Got Talent, which has recommitted itself to proving that America does not, in fact, have talent, but that America has grand delusions of talent. And boy did they succeed. First, a man juggling flaming torches while on a unicycle touched Howie Mandel's head and Howie Mandel appeared to be planning his death. The double dream hands guy showed up. A lady with a whip took some of her clothes off. A woman convinced the judges that her parrot was talking, when it clearly was not. Some dude fell off the stage. And then a man stood on a horse, then fell off a horse, then BLAMED THE HORSE. Which is, of course, entirely the American way.

Speaking of grand delusions of talent, PARIS HILTON HAS A NEW SHOW. It's called The World According to Paris because, obviously, Paris Hilton is wildly misunderstood. If we are to believe that Ms. Hilton is not the worthless, self-entitled idiot she appears to be, it is entirely because that is how she has represented herself to the world for a decade. So the notion that we should now feel sorry for her for being trapped in a monster of her own creation is almost enough for me to ignore this show completely. Especially considering that this show does nothing but reinforce that she is, in actuality, a completely worthless, proudly self-entitled, willfully ignorant brat. But then she gets a pony! So here I am, feeding the beast. I hate myself so much.

Other new things this week include Love Bites on NBC, which is surprisingly better than I expected, if only it didn't try so very, very hard. Unfortunately, it may only be remembered as "that show where people that are vaguely famous for being on other shows occasionally try to have sex with vaguely famous people". Don't expect it to last more than four episodes.

Lastly, and most surprisingly, is Franklin & Bash, yet another Mark-Paul Gosselaar-as-unconventional-lawyer vehicle. Lucky for him, this time he has Breckin Meyer and Malcolm-freaking-McDowell behind him. And given that TNT will seemingly keep anything on the air, even an orange Zack Morris, I think this one has a shot. Some people have called it "too quirky"; I call those people boring. Actually, I call them much worse things, but let's just stay with "boring" for now. Tune in if only to see Mark-Paul Gosselaar repeatedly addressed as "Scrotum Face" on basic cable!